Thats right. I said it. So what? -or- Why no one is impressed with your glass pack muffler

I know your story when I see you; or rather I know your story when I hear you.

Four blocks away.

You’re coming my way and your car is rippin, roarin, and bangin hard on all four aluminum cylinders.

Life is going good. Mom and dad help you pay for college. That’s dope. You’re slidin by on a 2.1 GPA, high above the “academic probation” line. That’s dope. You just got the part-time shift supervisor job at your local Applebees—now you’re not just a waiter; you supervise the other waiters. That’s dope. You know you lookin smoove, you know the lady’s are interested; but somehow, you just weren’t making enough noise in life.

So last Saturday you and your best bruh decided to get crewin right. You went down to NAPA Auto Parts and you dropped Friday’s tips on a glass pack muffler for your ’03 Cavalier Sport. You went to the old mans garage, borrowed some tools and some space, kicked back a few Coors Lights and got that on right. Now you feel like you rollin on dubs.

Well your not, and I’m going to tell the top three reasons why your car isn’t as cool as you think it is:

1. Even though you just watched “Tokyo Drift” for the fourteenth time with your buds, your car is not a fine-tuned Japanese drift-racing machine. Nor will it ever be.

2. A glass pack muffler does not make your factory-stock car better, faster, or stronger; and no, they don’t have the technology, they can not rebuild it.

3. Even though you just watched “Tokyo Drift” for the fourteenth time with your buds, your car is not a fine-tuned Japanese drift-racing machine. Nor will it ever be.

Would like to go to work—your chest freshly waxed, the top two buttons of your company polo unbuttoned, flaunting your sexy—and then, LOSE CONTROL OVER THE VOLUME OF YOUR VOICE?!?

No buddy, that’s just not right. What would all those 16-year-old girls you smile and wink at for better tips think?

See what I’m getting at?

The rest of us are wondering why you try to make your car look good, but sound like crap.

Do me two favors: treat your car like you treat your semi-doughy physique—do a couple sit-ups, wash the car; run a mile, get a door ding fixed; step in the ring and get whooped, buy some real dubs (you get points for stepping in the ring, I feel sorry for your arrogance). But don’t try and change the way the car sounds.

Then: when you come to your senses and realize that you were making enough of a roar before—and you decide to leave the glass-pack in the trash where it belongs, with your Carrie Underwood album you think no one knows you own, and your light-blue Crocs you wear with khaki pants—don’t crank the factory stereo, that doesn’t sound good either.

If you found this educational, then allow me to explain to you why no one is impressed with you on your motorcycle.

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