Don’t You Have Any Common Sense? –or- Oh, Yup, Look, It’s Spinning in a Circle Again. Great.

I’m going to be really bold here…put myself out on a limb, and tell you that your dog is not “your kid.” I could, in fact, almost guarantee that every person in history who had a real kid to raise wants to smack you just a little.

Or a lot.

In case you didn’t realize, that was the basis of the very first “zombie apocalypse” movie—entire generations of parents rose from the grave, not to dine on human flesh, but to let you know just how much they despise your comparison of a puppy to a child.

See, some of us can still see the world for what it is, and we realize that your dog looks and acts nothing like a child.

Do I let my child poop in your yard?

No.

Do I leave my kids at home alone, yelling and screaming loud enough for you to hear while I am at work all day?

No.

Do I let my kid hump your leg?

No.

Do I let my kid growl at your kid?

No.

Does my kid lick their butt, and then lick your face?

No. (In fact as a side note, most dog owners need to really think about that one).

Now, here is where the common sense comes in, see, your dog…oh, look, it’s spinning in a circle and barking. Cute…needs to be left in it’s proper societal place…oh, it’s spinning in a circle again. Neat. I thought it wouldn’t be great the second time around, but wow…. Your dog is not a child, or a person at all, and therefore…oh, sweet, another circle, that’s uh, that’s great, really…. should NOT be brought everywhere, all the time.

Why am I saying this?

Because as a society some of us (not me) seem to have lost the ability to leave things in their place. Under normal circumstances, i.e., taking your dog out for a ride, I would keep my mouth shut.

But then, you started to invade my space.

You brought your giant German Shepherd to my child’s preschool. It barked, it growled. You SWORE that it loved kids, and it didn’t usually act this way.

But it did. The first day, the second day, the third day, and the five subsequent days you brought it after you were asked not to ever bring it to the preschool again.

You also invaded my space when you brought your dog to a CHILDS FIRST birthday party. And it barked, and it pooped, and it scared the children. But that’s OK your dog is cute. Really. So I wasn’t that bothered.

Then you brought your dog to the park and let it run off its leash while my kids were playing. And it barked. And it pooped where they were playing. And they were scared. But that’s OK because you were there with your children too.

Wait, you weren’t there with your children? You don’t have any human kids? You just brought your dog to the park to let it “play” with the kids, because you are that sure that everyone loves your dog?

Wrong.

Seeing as how we are starting to reveal your border-line stupidity concerning an animal, allow me to preemptively answer your routine dog-owner questions:

No. We don’t have a dog at home.

No. My children do not want a dog at home.

No. My children do not want to play with your dog.

No. My children do not want to pet your dog.

No. We do not think your dog is cute.

No. We do not want to watch your dog do a trick…oh, look it spins in circles, yeah, it was great this time too, I guess it comes back around about the 50th time.

Now, you’re probably having one of two reactions.

Either you’re the majority: Your jaw just hit the floor, eyes popping out of your head, gasping noises of disbelief as to how cruel I am for griping about a cute wovable wittle puppy.

OR

You’re the minority: You are laughing to yourself because you KNOW that I am right. You don’t like dogs, but you don’t want anyone to know, because if they find out, how will you be treated?

Like the Wicked Witch of the West.

That’s right the original cinema baddy. She wasn’t evil enough trying to eat the souls of a lost Kansas child, her mismatched group of ragtag friends, and an entire society of vertically impaired citizens. No, she had to try and get that little dog too. THAT is what pushed her over the edge. THAT is what made you not just be scared of her, but hate her. THAT is what changed her from a mean old lady on a broom into a full-blown witch. Her disdain for a little girls hairy, smelly, noisy animal that had no real place in OZ anyway.

So really, I ask you dog lovers to ponder this:

Was the Wicked Witch really so wrong? Have you really become so swayed by “puppy dog eyes” that you can’t see the legitimacy of her point? Is it not OK that the witch didn’t want an animal around that would poop on the Yellow Brick Road? Isn’t a poop-free Yellow Brick Road something that we should all strive for?

If you still think I am wrong about a dogs place, consider this as well:

When the evil flying monkey’s descended upon Dorothy and her friends, what did Toto do?

He spun around in circles and barked.

Helpful.

So really, am I so wrong for wanting you to leave your dog in its correct societal place?

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