I feel a little lost-or-why are old people so particular?

I did something this weekend.

Something I’m not proud of.

Family vacation.

 It was as awesome as it sounds.

 You’re probably thinking of the time you went on vacation with your parents to North Carolina. Yeah, you know.

Along the way you detoured into Florida to stop at a strip mall. While your family shopped around the local Gordmans you and your brother wandered off into the toy section. That’s where you ran amock of the law.

 OK, maybe not really. But you did need the mall security guard to un-handcuff you from the pole in the toy section.

As the entire patronage of the store watched.

And laughed.

And some even pointed.

It was then that you realized that you couldn’t trust your siblings. At least not your older brother who liked to tease you into doing stupid things. Like eating radishes. And touching electric fences. You  should especially never trust him while on vacation.

While at the time it seemed as if the event would ruin your vacation, and possibly your whole future social life–or at least your future wife would get a huge kick out of the story, for many, many years– you never realized the trauma that your parents were going through.

 The trauma that sat in the front seat of the rented van.

 The trauma that came in the form of a slightly hunched, fairly well wrinkled old lady whose outer appearance and demeanor were as sweet as a Georgia peach.

But then that Georgia peach asked you to do something terrible, something awful… something that would shake your very understanding of the Universe:

Drive to Arby’s and obtain one sandwich for dinner.

 I know, I know. You need a minute to wrap your brain around the horrible offense to the very nature of the human soul that has just occured.

What?

You don’t understand what is so horrible abou going to Arby’s?
Well, obviously, you must know where an Arby’s is.

 Or do you?

Imagine, if you will, a town of say 51,387. And you have been given instructions to bring grandma an Arby’s sandwich. She has so been longing for one, but she doesn’t make it out of the house much anymore since dad died, and it could really make her day.

So you are given explicit instructions, seeing as how you don’t know your way around town…

West on Humes. South on Patterson. West on Dunn. Continue for 3 blocks. Arrive in the Schnucks shopping center, the Arby’s is on the north.

Upon your arrival at the slightly creepy strip mall, you see Schnucks, a tanning salon, a liquor store, a gas station and three (yes three) side-by-side all-you-can-eat chinese buffets. All of which carry some variation of the name combination of “Hunan,” “Palace,” “King,” and “Buffet.”

Your favorite one was “King Palace of Hunan Buffet.”

Coming in at a close second “Buffet Palace of Hunan King”

But despite your valiant knightly efforts, and your ability to manipulate time and space, there is no Arby’s. Only Subway.

So upon calling the great lonely homestead, you are informed that yes, a sandwich from Arby’s is the only acceptable food with which you may return. And don’t worry, you are reassured, the Arby’s isn’t really next to the Schnucks.

It’s just down the street. At the next shopping complex.

4 miles, 3 strip malls, 9 chinese buffets, 12 liquor stores, 4 tobacco outlets, 18 tanning salons, 5 gas stations, one place simply called “Store!”, and many swear words later, you still fail to find Arby’s.

Disgruntled, hungry, and feeling defeated you stop to ask the next overly cheerful gas station attendant where the nearest Arby’s is. Her response is an angels hymn:

Why, the Arby’s is just another three blocks down the road.

So you jump into the family sedan and speed off, leaving half of your tire behind in a smoky pile of melted rubber. Three blocks later you arrive…at a Steak-n-Shake.

Now it’s time to make an executive decision.

So you travel all the way back to where you started. Schnucks. You decide that everyone will have to suffer through Subway. Grandma will be disappointed, but somehow, SOMEHOW, she will live.

Upon your entry to the store, you become “jackass on phone while in line.” But that doesn’t matter, becuase you have to break the news to grams, and get her reluctant, second choice dinner.

You: Hi Grandma. I came all the way back. I couldn’t find Arby’s. I stopped somewhere else. What kind of sandwich did you want, I’ll get the closest thing I can.

Grandma: Oh, well I was really looking forward to Arby’s. Isn’t the Arby’s next to Schnucks still there?

You: No gammie. I couldn’t find it. Did you just want some roast beef? They can heat it up for you.

Grams: No. What I really wanted was a tuna sandwich.

You:
(annoyed, comtemplative silence) Grams, Arby’s doesn’t have tuna.

Grammie: Did I say Arby’s? I didn’t mean Arby’s I meant that other place.

You: What other place?

Grams: You know that one, it’s right next to Schnucks. The place with the tuna sandwiches. I see their commercials on TV all the time. They have that guy do the commercials. You know the real nice one. He used to be so fat.

Whats his name?

The fat kid? 

And then you realize.

You realize why your parents never had fun on vacation.

Why they always came back looking more tired, frustrated, and angry than they were when they left.

You just passed through the doorway, not of sight and sound, but of mind.

The doorway that allowed life to enter and rip away your happy childhood vacation memories: Yellowstone, the Badlands, Jackson Hole, Myrtle Beach, that place in Nebraska with smelly carnies.

Because you realized just how miserable your parents were every time grandma wanted to eat at a Cracker Barrel. Back then detouring for 45 minutes to find one was just part of the fun.

But now you realize just how awful it is.

As you sit in traffic two days later, on your way back to grandma’s. And you notice, not 2 blocks from your hotel, where the Arby’s used to be. Next to a different Schnucks. With a sign on the door:

“Come visit us at our new location. Corner of Versailles and Patterson”

-or-

“Come visit us at our new location. Corner of Versailles and Patterson. You know, three blocks in the OPPOSITE direction you were told to go.”

And then you realize that it doesn’t matter anyomore. Because all she wanted was some of the tuna that fat kid sells.

How particular.

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